Wednesday, August 3, 2011

My 'Lewis Hamilton' moment...

So, yesterday I posted about how I was having a bit of a wobble, and Good Hubby's follow up email... well today I have to add 'k' to my thanks list for the supportive comments he left yesterday. For those of you who haven't read it...

k said:
I have those days as well Robert, and yes it is part of it, we are human, not machines, I have literally stomped my feet and argued in defiance before, but once the moment has passed my submissive nature returns and I feel ashamed. But isn't that why I need a strong, loving woman to guide in the first place, to curb my childish and rebellious nature and guide me to be a better man?

It's good to know that I'm not the only one who has these moments of doubt. After all, what we're doing is not 'normal', we are going against nature because we don't like the way nature makes us act. But of course nature has a few million years head start, and so from time to time it's bound to chuck a spanner in the works.
It's not like it was a big problem, and I'm sure there were two things at the heart of it.
Firstly, Mistress R allowed me to cum on Saturday night, and the fact is that the days following orgasm are always the hardest for me. You would think it would be the opposite wouldn't you, that I should feel satisfied,  but I always seem impatient for more 'action' when I've been allowed to cum. But then doesn't this just support the whole chastity idea? The whole 'if you let him cum' then he reverts to his usual selfish self' theme? Well, I guess it does!!!
The second thing which affected my mood was that we had such a shit day on Sunday, and whereas Mistress R is an Aries (blows up at the drop of a hat and then it's all forgotten), me being a Libra I don't blow up like that, but it takes longer for me to stop brooding over it. So, I was sulking if you like, having my 'Lewis Hamilton' moment.
I can't say I feel ashamed of myself particularly but I do feel a bit stupid. Because it must appear to Mistress R that I ask for one thing and then sulk about it! That's not how it is to me, it's a combination of circumstances, but it probably looks like that to her.
Of course having read my blog-post yesterday Mistress R has today asked me if I think we need a 'break' from chastity, but that isn't what I want. That possibility is always there if she decides to declare it, of course. But now that I'm over that little hump I'm content again as her slave, and because of the reasons I've given already the last thing I want to do is be 'released' again.
Of course this isn't the first 'moment of doubt' I've had, but they are usually over a lot quicker and a lot less intense and I hid them better because I didn't want Mistress R to call it off, which I thought she might have. In fact, this incident has given me some heart, because the good thing about this is that Mistress R's reaction was to ask if I wanted a weekend / week's break from chastity, whereas in the past I might have expected her reaction to be more along the lines of stopping it altogether. I'm VERY happy about that.
Like 'k' said, there are going to be times when the frustration boils over, and it's incredibly difficult for a woman to understand that, just as it's incredibly difficult for a woman to understand why any man should want to be denied in the first place. And as much as I appreciate Mistress R's kind enquiry, it's not what I want or need right now.
What I really need is to get through the next couple of days and start to submerge myself in submission again. To feel that ache of desperation and need building inside, and to focus it back onto serving my Mistress when she wants to use me.
The fact is that I know how I felt when we used to do 'part-time' chastity, I was always longing for the next period of denial to start, so the idea of a chastity-holiday doesn't appeal massively to me, even though the thought of cumming as much as I want sounds like Heaven right now.
The other interesting comment that 'k' made was this...

k said: 
Very heartfelt post Robert, I do not regret surrendering all to Q, but there are many times I don't want to do the things she makes me do, or times when I think I need to get my own way and don't! And by the way, we are closing on three years of Q having total control of our relationship! And it's been that long since I've been allowed to be on top when she wants intercourse. The same with entering her from behind, no doggy style position allowed for me, God, I really miss that!

Now, as it happens, there are some sound reasons why Mistress R tends to go on top (I am extremely prone to cramp for a start!), and don't get me wrong, I love her being on top, in fact it's my favourite position, and truth be told if I had the choice, then nine times out of ten I would probably choose for her to go on top. And since I've only been inside Mistress R about 8 times since April 1st, I have to concede that I'm moaning about nothing... and I wasn't really even moaning, I was just commenting...
I love it when she's on top because she controls the pace and speed and that is incredibly hot and submissive for me, I love that even when I'm inside her, even if she does decide to let me cum, I still only get to do it as fast and hard as she wants me to. But psychologically it is difficult, because there's a little part of me that worries about that... because as much as I love it, I wonder how it affects how she feels about me.
I'd hate for her to turn around in five years time and say she's leaving me because she can't deal with this any more, that she needs someone who just wants to fuck her and doesn't want to wait to be asked. Because I could honestly understand that. And that's why I wouldn't want to close the door on reverting back to 'normal' for however long Mistress R wanted it. If it was affecting her overall feelings towards me I would much rather do that.
Fortunately for me, Mistress R has quite a 'controlling' character, if not exactly naturally 'dominant'. She likes things ordered and I'm sure some men would find her infuriatingly 'structured' about, well pretty much everything. She jokes about her OCD sometimes, so she's well aware of it. I hope that the fact that we remain equal outside the bedroom will stop her seeing me as 'weak' too. I know 'Q' posted that remark the other day about how much she values 'k's submission to her, and how strong a man has to be to surrender control. But it's still pretty easy for that man to feel insecure about his choices, even as he's enjoying his submission.
That's the thing about an alternative lifestyle, getting on the wagon is only the start of it...still, if nothing else, at least I got a couple of decent captions out of this little bump in the road...

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