Friday, August 12, 2011

My head is a mess...

I feel like I'm at a HUGE crossroads right now. Things are just getting so fucked up and my mental state is suffering, badly!
We had such a wonderful night last night, and yet the result of that was me feeling like I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
My self esteem is non-existent. 
I am truly coming to terms with the fact that I worship Mistress R and that is making me blissfully happy, but the flip side of that  is that it is making me even more insecure, because I feel like... 
Last night in the pub I just felt like she looked so amazing in her shoes, and I should be feeling on top of the world walking in there with her, like yeah, this is my wife, I'm the fucking man!
But I don't.
I feel like... totally insecure about it. Like she looks so much better than me, what the fuck am I doing with someone like that.
She looks so fantastic, that I'm having a problem dealing with the fact that I'm still so overweight.
That's the crux of it. It's not that I consider myself ugly or anything, because I don't at all, in fact I think I look quite alright, or I will do once I've lost the weight. The thing is, I've said this to Mistress R before, when you are overweight and you accept it it doesn't bother you so much.
When you try to do something about it you pay attention to it and, yeah I've lost 16 pounds, but I've got another 50 odd to go, and I hate it. I want it gone NOW. It makes me fucking miserable.
On top of this, I'm not even 100% sure if I want to admit to myself how I am. 
I'm not confident in admitting that to myself even though deep down I know it's true. Partly because I don't know if I want Mistress R to think of me like that. I know she knows I am, but I think my submission goes deeper than she understands.
I know she loves me but I don't know if she really wants someone who worships her like I do. You only have to look at her fantasy man list, Clint Eastwood, Arnold Schwarzenegger, The Rock... typical Alpha Males. 
I know that sounds totally stupid, but when I met Mistress R I was in really good shape, and just starting to benefit from my weight training and I let it slide.
What makes it worse is my best and pretty much only friend is a total Alpha Male, 6ft and muscly (he looks a bit like Mel Gibson too, bastard!) so the one person I compare myself to is like the epitome of what Mistress R's perfect man would be! It's not that I think that she would cheat on me with him, and I know he wouldn't anyway because I know another one of his friend's wives tried to and he was really fucked off about it and told her in no uncertain terms to piss off. But having that as your best mate is a bit tough when you don't feel good about yourself.
And the worse thing is, even though I'm finally starting to get what I've wanted for a long, long time, I seem to be making every possible mistake I can to fuck it up.
I know we are going to have to have a massive talk about all of this tonight because we cannot go on like this. 
And I really don't know what the outcome will be. Maybe she will want to ditch the chastity and femdom stuff to try and get things sorted. And I can't say I would blame her. This was all supposed to be about making her feel special, and all it has seemed to do is make things more difficult and fucked up.
Maybe I would be better off trying to be normal and loving my wife without wanting to worship her.
I don't know what I think anymore.
I really don't.

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